Part One: Sell it on eBay, even when it's complete cack


It is, of course, the cement-mixer-damaged frame of a currently injured British pro. £15 postage? "Cosmetic" damage? We're sure this consistutes some kind of sporting fraud.

Tomorrow:
Part Two: Get your father-in-law to sell it at Manchester Regional Track League.

We actually really liked Predictor-Lotto's pink jersey that everybody else hated, not to mention our amusement at the fact that the suffix "-Lotto" instilled serious doubts about the product's ability to determine whether you were pregnant or not.

But now they're changing AGAIN, and all that will be gone.


The new jersey is described as being a purple-red colour, which is probably even less masculine than 2007's pink. And the product Omega are pushing now is "Silence", which stops you snoring. Or doesn't, if that "-Lotto" suffix is to be believed.

Matt Brammeier -- continental pro, British U23 national time-trial champion and the Becks to Nikki Harris's Posh (an analogy we're sure they'll both LOVE) -- has been hit by a cement mixer while out on his bike this morning.

He's now in hospital with a broken thigh, but word on the street is that apart from that he's okay.

While normally we'd use this as an excuse to complain about how Britain is a complete and utter joke, our main concern is extending our thoughts to one of British cycling's most talented rising stars. We're sure most of our readership feels the same way.

Here's wishing you a good recovery, Matt.

Tomorrow:
A return to less sobering thoughts, as Rebecca Charlton FINALLY puts her best dress on just for us.

But not the kind with men in berets claiming to represent the people. The kind with bikes :(


Bradley Wiggins was "the star" this time and all the kids were cheering for him after all that pre-Tour de France hype. He's nice, but he's no Franco Marvulli.


In actual fact, even though there were eight world champions, we didn't know who a lot of the riders were. It seemed very future-stars oriented, which isn't really our thing.


The racing wasn't bad though. The team pursuit made our accomplice quite happy. We almost felt guilty for dragging him away before he got to see the team sprint that it probably ended with.


The new track was quite clean too. They've got no excuse for letting it get dirty now.


The Germanese were there too. "Christina Vogel" is a sexy name, apparently.


Whatever happened to our lovely Yvonne Hijgenaar? :(((



But we at least managed the holy grail of cycling photography: A man taking a photograph of a man taking a photograph of some cyclists. We promise we didn't set this up, mainly because we'd hate to be associated with anyone who wears a red t-shirt or a press bib.

Official rating
A solid 6/10. Not a terrible night, but sub-par even for a pre-Christmas event.

There's a comedy riot over at British Cycling's report for the recent Pan American Disability Games.

For the most part it's just all the same unjustified wordy nonsense that turns up all day in our email inbox in the form of press releases while we're waiting for someone to send us special offers on Chinese viagra. Until, that is, you reach the curiously out of place photo of the beetle at the bottom of the page.


Controversy! The original caption said:

One of about 50 beetles that patrol the track infield - sorry it's not a great pic, I was shaking with nerves as it looked as though it was about to take my arm off!!

Awesome.

Tomorrow
We get equally excited by a different photograph of a beetle. In lieu of animals on bikes, we're accepting animals with tenuous links to cycling.

We went to the Dave Rayner Dinner!

There were lots of famous people, and lots of possibly-famous people who always seem to be at those events. Even though we still bear him a huge grudge for ignoring an important email we sent more than a year ago, David Harmon was very good.

The dinner involved a meal, unsurprisingly. There was a menu. It listed the things that everyone ate, apart from the things that the vegetarian people ate.

There was also an auction. It came with a list that looked like this:


The highlight was the original signed yellow jersey from Gino Bartali that was donated by Sir Jimmy Saville. Amazingly, it only went for £2,100. We'd have paid ten times that if we could afford to. No amount of money would be too high for that item. We bet Jimmy Saville's quite upset now then. Now then.

After that, a little bit more stuff happened, mostly involving not winning at the raffle. We got chips on the way home and listened to some drunk rugby players swearing, which was good because it proved that Harrogate isn't THAT posh.

Epilogue

We know we've got a sofa to sleep on, but which hotel room is it in again?


Aw shit.

Cures cancer, but also makes it look like you have breasts. It also seems to make the person to your immediate right rip their tatty old thong clean off from underneath their clothing, which, as demonstrated here, is at best a mixed blessing.

An alternative, similar joke that we'd never, ever make:
Something to do with Lance doing a "Robert Millar". Possibly supplemented by references to those gay rumours from the start of 2006. Maybe even a Photoshop of a transexual Olsen twin.