The Podium Cafe "The Cycle Sport Manifesto"
Published by Halverde on 11/11/2006 at 14:44.
We miss the old days when we used to write this website as a result of our love of road cycling, rather than as a means of antagonising people. But even now we still don't delight in dissing other members of the cycling writers community, and especially not Podium Cafe, who are so gobby and full of flawed, irritating arguments that they could easily work for DerailedUK. Once they got the hang of writing in fragmented sentences for humourous effect, that is.
Judging from their website, they've got a troupe of loyal readers that we'd be pleased to have in exchange for our own audience of cycling journos and incredibly talented riders. Advertisers won't touch us with a ten foot pole, just because the people who read this site get sent all their stuff for free. You're ruining us, famous-types.
Anyway, we're going to dissect Podium Cafe's latest dig at Cycle Sport's I Support Drug Free Sport manifesto. This is more an act of annoying a popular website than defending a very popular magazine, so we're allowed to do it without being accused of selling out.
"1) clear testing policy, uniformly applied.
comment: Sounds palatable enough, if not original."
Comment: We like their clever use of "not original" in the place of "unoriginal". It grabs the attention and is interesting, if not usual.
"2) Database of rider records, including DNA.
comment: I suppose I'm for it, at first blush. And the riders' comments about being treated like criminals sounds more like union gamesmanship to me (although if they're saying that to keep the bargaining chip, fine, whatever)."
Comment: We're only onto the second point of this scathing damnation and already the author is saying something akin to, "Dunno really, they're probably right." This is what Iain Duncan-Smith used to be like whenever we watched Prime Minister's Question Time in 2003.
"3) Publicize the therapeutic use exemptions (i.e. I can take X substance for my Y condition)
comment: huh? I'd rather have enough adults in charge so that nobody needs me to go looking up people's TUE."
Comment: Huh? Are the people in charge currently all youths? Or is the author's point in the word "enough"? Just keep hiring; the more people on the payroll, the quicker the problem will go away.
"4) teams should publicize their anti-doping policies, and they should bar use of outside doctors
comment: Hm... I guess this is meant to push the T-Mob model, which I like very much. This isn't worded exactly right though -- again, publicizing stuff means I have to look it up. A better idea is just to require teams to swallow the T-Mob program... except that it's unproven and undigested so far."
Comment: If things are publicised then people have to read them. Uh oh! They should just leave it covered up -- that'd stop the cheats from being able to hide their nefarious practices.
"5) Get riders to speak up about the wristband campaign
comment: the program veers sharply toward irrelevance. Let's see if we can correct the course..."
Comment: Actually, we agree with them on this point. See, we told you Podium Cafe isn't all bad.
"6) No finger-pointing or whistle-blowing
comment: I'd ridicule this, but I think CS is just saying they're not advocating this, not that it should be forbidden."
Comment: We're not sure what Cycle Sport even meant by this, and we can't be bothered getting our old copy out to have a read. Just pretend we said something witty here (and feel free to continue doing that for all subsequent comments).
"7) Don't imply guilt by excluding guys from races
comment: hm... this is where the Bill of Rights clashes with the sensibilities of the peloton, I think. Tough sell here, but I don't object."
Comment: We disagree with both CS and PC. It's a point that can't be enforced in any way -- if you deny a rider a place in a race because you think he's a cheat, it's hard for an audience to decode from it anything other than your implication of guilt. We're looking forward to seeing all this in action next season with Basso, Ullrich, et al.
"8) Attitudes must change; doping is not acceptable.
comment: CS proving my original point from last week. To be kind, this is pointless grandstanding, as if riders dope because it's fun."
Comment: Because not enjoying doing something means that it can't be deemed unacceptable? Wear a grimace whenever you break the law, no jury would convict you.
"9) Recognize the true clean riders and portray them as champions
comment: what happened to not implying guilt? If someone wins Paris-Roubaix but the UCI thinks someone else is cleaner, do they give the other guy the trophy? Also, I'm clean (as far as you know), and though I'll never win or even compete for five minutes, does this mean I still get a trophy? Seriously off course now..."
Comment: Trophies for everyone! If CS had made this point, we'd have been in full agreement. Celebrating clean riders seems pretty sensible to us.
"10) Slowly drive out the cheats, and raise a new clean generation
comments: This is pretty vapid. I'd like a pony too. Also, is doping being grandfathered in for the current generation? Whatever."
Comment: A pony? We'd like an Orbea Onix. (If we have an Orbea rep reading this, do get in touch.)
"11) Don't cover up bad news; report the positive tests
comment: Stupid. Testing is an inexact science, to say the least, so riders deserve a heads-up before telling the press. In fact, even if a guy is caught red-handed, there's no precedent for law enforcement running first to the press and then to the suspect."
Comment: A peculiar take on the word "report". Nowhere does it mention not giving riders a "heads-up". Apparently mentioning positive tests is a bad thing now (which is, more or less, exactly what Landis's defence team are busy presenting to the world).
"12) Fully support testing, blady blah
comment: more of the same..."
Comment: LAZY. We read the first eleven, then number twelve was RUINED for us by the lack of comment.
"13) we don't want to be taken for fools anymore
comment: Exhibit A in my case that CS is making it about themselves. If the peloton is reading this, my message is: fix the problem; don't worry about me."
Comment: "Don't worrry about me", apart from when you want to publicise things (see #3, #4).
"14) "if you're clean, come out and say so."
comment: Fortunately, they're done. Possibly three or four items too late, because this last one removes any doubt that the author of this manifesto is in middle school. I've paraphrased most of the items, but this one is verbatim, because its silliness speaks for itself."
Comment: Fortunately, we're done too. Podium Cafe's ending was much better than ours, but this whole thing stopped being amusing ten points ago.
The Cycle Sport Manifesto
The end?
If any other website/blog wants to do a DerailedUK "The Poduim Cafe "The Cycle Sport Manifesto"" update to keep this ridiculous chain going, that'd be neat. It's already getting that Louis Althusser "petty, complex, divisive debate about something very particular" unreadability about it -- with your help we can really crack this thing and open up extreme new channels of cycling pretentiousness.
Tomorrow
Who knows? The suspense is just killing you, we can tell.
Judging from their website, they've got a troupe of loyal readers that we'd be pleased to have in exchange for our own audience of cycling journos and incredibly talented riders. Advertisers won't touch us with a ten foot pole, just because the people who read this site get sent all their stuff for free. You're ruining us, famous-types.
Anyway, we're going to dissect Podium Cafe's latest dig at Cycle Sport's I Support Drug Free Sport manifesto. This is more an act of annoying a popular website than defending a very popular magazine, so we're allowed to do it without being accused of selling out.
"1) clear testing policy, uniformly applied.
comment: Sounds palatable enough, if not original."
Comment: We like their clever use of "not original" in the place of "unoriginal". It grabs the attention and is interesting, if not usual.
"2) Database of rider records, including DNA.
comment: I suppose I'm for it, at first blush. And the riders' comments about being treated like criminals sounds more like union gamesmanship to me (although if they're saying that to keep the bargaining chip, fine, whatever)."
Comment: We're only onto the second point of this scathing damnation and already the author is saying something akin to, "Dunno really, they're probably right." This is what Iain Duncan-Smith used to be like whenever we watched Prime Minister's Question Time in 2003.
"3) Publicize the therapeutic use exemptions (i.e. I can take X substance for my Y condition)
comment: huh? I'd rather have enough adults in charge so that nobody needs me to go looking up people's TUE."
Comment: Huh? Are the people in charge currently all youths? Or is the author's point in the word "enough"? Just keep hiring; the more people on the payroll, the quicker the problem will go away.
"4) teams should publicize their anti-doping policies, and they should bar use of outside doctors
comment: Hm... I guess this is meant to push the T-Mob model, which I like very much. This isn't worded exactly right though -- again, publicizing stuff means I have to look it up. A better idea is just to require teams to swallow the T-Mob program... except that it's unproven and undigested so far."
Comment: If things are publicised then people have to read them. Uh oh! They should just leave it covered up -- that'd stop the cheats from being able to hide their nefarious practices.
"5) Get riders to speak up about the wristband campaign
comment: the program veers sharply toward irrelevance. Let's see if we can correct the course..."
Comment: Actually, we agree with them on this point. See, we told you Podium Cafe isn't all bad.
"6) No finger-pointing or whistle-blowing
comment: I'd ridicule this, but I think CS is just saying they're not advocating this, not that it should be forbidden."
Comment: We're not sure what Cycle Sport even meant by this, and we can't be bothered getting our old copy out to have a read. Just pretend we said something witty here (and feel free to continue doing that for all subsequent comments).
"7) Don't imply guilt by excluding guys from races
comment: hm... this is where the Bill of Rights clashes with the sensibilities of the peloton, I think. Tough sell here, but I don't object."
Comment: We disagree with both CS and PC. It's a point that can't be enforced in any way -- if you deny a rider a place in a race because you think he's a cheat, it's hard for an audience to decode from it anything other than your implication of guilt. We're looking forward to seeing all this in action next season with Basso, Ullrich, et al.
"8) Attitudes must change; doping is not acceptable.
comment: CS proving my original point from last week. To be kind, this is pointless grandstanding, as if riders dope because it's fun."
Comment: Because not enjoying doing something means that it can't be deemed unacceptable? Wear a grimace whenever you break the law, no jury would convict you.
"9) Recognize the true clean riders and portray them as champions
comment: what happened to not implying guilt? If someone wins Paris-Roubaix but the UCI thinks someone else is cleaner, do they give the other guy the trophy? Also, I'm clean (as far as you know), and though I'll never win or even compete for five minutes, does this mean I still get a trophy? Seriously off course now..."
Comment: Trophies for everyone! If CS had made this point, we'd have been in full agreement. Celebrating clean riders seems pretty sensible to us.
"10) Slowly drive out the cheats, and raise a new clean generation
comments: This is pretty vapid. I'd like a pony too. Also, is doping being grandfathered in for the current generation? Whatever."
Comment: A pony? We'd like an Orbea Onix. (If we have an Orbea rep reading this, do get in touch.)
"11) Don't cover up bad news; report the positive tests
comment: Stupid. Testing is an inexact science, to say the least, so riders deserve a heads-up before telling the press. In fact, even if a guy is caught red-handed, there's no precedent for law enforcement running first to the press and then to the suspect."
Comment: A peculiar take on the word "report". Nowhere does it mention not giving riders a "heads-up". Apparently mentioning positive tests is a bad thing now (which is, more or less, exactly what Landis's defence team are busy presenting to the world).
"12) Fully support testing, blady blah
comment: more of the same..."
Comment: LAZY. We read the first eleven, then number twelve was RUINED for us by the lack of comment.
"13) we don't want to be taken for fools anymore
comment: Exhibit A in my case that CS is making it about themselves. If the peloton is reading this, my message is: fix the problem; don't worry about me."
Comment: "Don't worrry about me", apart from when you want to publicise things (see #3, #4).
"14) "if you're clean, come out and say so."
comment: Fortunately, they're done. Possibly three or four items too late, because this last one removes any doubt that the author of this manifesto is in middle school. I've paraphrased most of the items, but this one is verbatim, because its silliness speaks for itself."
Comment: Fortunately, we're done too. Podium Cafe's ending was much better than ours, but this whole thing stopped being amusing ten points ago.
The Cycle Sport Manifesto
The end?
If any other website/blog wants to do a DerailedUK "The Poduim Cafe "The Cycle Sport Manifesto"" update to keep this ridiculous chain going, that'd be neat. It's already getting that Louis Althusser "petty, complex, divisive debate about something very particular" unreadability about it -- with your help we can really crack this thing and open up extreme new channels of cycling pretentiousness.
Tomorrow
Who knows? The suspense is just killing you, we can tell.
