December/January lazy updates - #2: 2006 Tour Script Extract

Published by Halverde on 12/22/2006 at 16:33.

Script extract: 2006 Tour de France Christmas Musical

NARRATOR
And so the 16th stage had ended. Floyd Landis had lost his lead in dramatic style and was out of contention for the overall win. Or so everybody thought. As the other competitors celebrated, what nefarious deeds could Landis be plotting?

(Enter OSCAR PEREIRO. Cue medley.)

OSCAR PEREIRO
My role in the race has been as pacifist
But now is the time that I re-enlist
By the podium girls I have been kissed
And proven I am the best bicyclist

Yesterday for Landis was a catastrophe
Soon I will earn the winner's trophy

(Enter JOHN LELANGUE, Phonak team manager, and FLOYD LANDIS. JOHN LELANGUE continues the song.)

JOHN LELANGUE
As hard as it seems, we have to foresee
A way to get our hands on that jersey

FLOYD LANDIS
I have a plan to win despite this affliction
I was the contender with the greatest conviction
Yesterday's failure was just a depiction
(Provided I don't develop an addiction)

(JOHN LELANGUE and FLOYD LANDIS step into the shadowy back of the stage, and dance around a cauldren. Enter ANDREAS KLOEDEN.)

ANDREAS KLOEDEN
Why didn't Floyd just eat a snack?
Oscar will lose because he's whack

(Enter a television COMMENTATOR.)

COMMENTATOR
How could Landis get his lead back?

(Floyd Landis steps back into the spotlight, music takes a sombre tone.)

FLOYD LANDIS
I'll put this patch upon my saaaaaaaaaaaack

Recent vitriol


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These ones haven't aged well


Much like Laurent Brochard

Some old updates that aren't entirely awful


And there'll be even more coming to this spot just as soon as we can be bothered trawling through our somewhat embarrassing archives.

Script extracts, because these seem to be popular for some reason

Simon and Anthony


Nigel and company


Johnathan & friends, even though they're always last with the news and the website is horrible


Dutch cyclists we like because they're better/more attractive than British riders

Bobke Strut is so good that it deserves a category of its own

Arrr, bike pirates

George!

Things we hate so much we're not even going to link to them

  • Trust But Verify
  • Trek
  • Assos

Our e-mail inbox isn't just for Japanese gambling promotions and the latest advances in penis enlargement chemistry, you know

What's the word "derailed" got to do with bikes anyway?

  • Err... bikes have things called derailleurs? Apart from track bikes, which don't.

If derailleurs evolved from fixies, how come there are still fixies?

  • Survival of the fixest.


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