Tom Boonen has toothache!!!! :(
Published by Halverde on 4/28/2006 at 19:50.
Or: Slow news day.
Poor Tom. As well as humiliating himself in the name of anti-smell face cream (tune in tomorrow), he's got an ongoing problem with his teeth.
The problem was SO BAD that he was UNABLE TO SELL THINGS TO THE BEGLIAN MASSES. No World Champion has ever been so unfortunate. Our attempts to interview his dentist for a 3,000 word interview-cum-feature were in vain, but we'll leave no stone unturned in our investigation.
Following the TOP SECRET information we've been able to gather thus far, Derailed predicts a large scale degradation of Boonen's physical condition to rival that of just about every coastline in Europe. Mark our words: he'll be advertising denture glue on Eurosport within five years.
Not entirely a slow news day, actually
Alberto Contador won in Romandie, which is good because we like him. The only reason we're not bombarding you with overenthusiastic praise of him is because of this:
"An almost identical performance to his victory atop Les Paccots exactly twelve months ago, the Spaniard attacked with an inner force of someone who has being on the brink of death and bounced back, driving home his advantage to not only earn him the stage, but also the overall lead in the 60th Tour de Romandie."
CyclingNews used up the day's hyberbole quotient in a single race report :(
TOMORROW:
Boonen sells out. But it'll be funnier and less forced than today's entry, promise.
Toothache news stolen from here, because we couldn't think of anything for ourselves:
Cycling News - April 28
Contador news stolen from here:
Cycling News - Romandie
Poor Tom. As well as humiliating himself in the name of anti-smell face cream (tune in tomorrow), he's got an ongoing problem with his teeth.
The problem was SO BAD that he was UNABLE TO SELL THINGS TO THE BEGLIAN MASSES. No World Champion has ever been so unfortunate. Our attempts to interview his dentist for a 3,000 word interview-cum-feature were in vain, but we'll leave no stone unturned in our investigation.
Following the TOP SECRET information we've been able to gather thus far, Derailed predicts a large scale degradation of Boonen's physical condition to rival that of just about every coastline in Europe. Mark our words: he'll be advertising denture glue on Eurosport within five years.
Not entirely a slow news day, actually
Alberto Contador won in Romandie, which is good because we like him. The only reason we're not bombarding you with overenthusiastic praise of him is because of this:
"An almost identical performance to his victory atop Les Paccots exactly twelve months ago, the Spaniard attacked with an inner force of someone who has being on the brink of death and bounced back, driving home his advantage to not only earn him the stage, but also the overall lead in the 60th Tour de Romandie."
CyclingNews used up the day's hyberbole quotient in a single race report :(
TOMORROW:
Boonen sells out. But it'll be funnier and less forced than today's entry, promise.
Toothache news stolen from here, because we couldn't think of anything for ourselves:
Cycling News - April 28
Contador news stolen from here:
Cycling News - Romandie
This has only furthered our obsession...
Published by Halverde on 4/26/2006 at 16:40.
Yvonne Hijgenaar has a website! It's written in some kind of crazy Old Frisian language, but we were able to use our unparalleled linguistic skills to determine that "foto's" is a rough equivalent of our modern word, "photographs."
We've not been so happy to discover something since that time we saw the Easter bunny outside the local parish when we were six years old. And this time we haven't even had to visit a psychiatrist every two weeks until we were thirteen just because the vicar caught us burning down his rabbit hutch. :)
Everything stolen from Yvonne's website:
http://www.yvonnehijgenaar.nl
Look at her slight squint towards the camera lens. That's her "come to bed" look.
We like this one because she's in her underwear. She's looking at the floor, which means it's not slutty.
This one is big enough to be a desktop background. Now you can see Yvonne every time you turn on your PC! Spread her on your laptop.
Yvonne Hijgenaar with Adrie Visser! This is a loveliness overload!
We've not been so happy to discover something since that time we saw the Easter bunny outside the local parish when we were six years old. And this time we haven't even had to visit a psychiatrist every two weeks until we were thirteen just because the vicar caught us burning down his rabbit hutch. :)
Everything stolen from Yvonne's website:
http://www.yvonnehijgenaar.nl
Ullrich in "IS SHIT" shocker
Published by Halverde on 4/25/2006 at 21:38.
Status quo maintained. His first race of the season, two weeks before he rides the Giro, left him in 90th place. In a time trial. Like the rest of the cycling media, we're going to subsequently ignore this whole incident and continue playing up his chances so that you'll buy our Tour de France special. (Only £6.99 for 50+ glossy pages!)
At least he wasn't fat. Not very fat, anyway.
Elsewhere in Romandie:
Paolo Savoldelli beat Valverde for the stage win, which only makes us hate him EVEN MORE. He's an alleged drug cheat, but all the doping paranoia sites had so many pop-up adverts that it put us off trying to research enough to be able to think of something witty to write about it.
Even his nickname is better than Valverde's. "The Green Bullet" just sounds like a camp 1950s superhero :(
Running tally: Attacking riders 2-1 Conservative riders
At least he wasn't fat. Not very fat, anyway.
Elsewhere in Romandie:
Paolo Savoldelli beat Valverde for the stage win, which only makes us hate him EVEN MORE. He's an alleged drug cheat, but all the doping paranoia sites had so many pop-up adverts that it put us off trying to research enough to be able to think of something witty to write about it.
Even his nickname is better than Valverde's. "The Green Bullet" just sounds like a camp 1950s superhero :(
Running tally: Attacking riders 2-1 Conservative riders
Basso and Valverde go head to head
Published by Halverde on 4/24/2006 at 13:44.
In Belgium, of all places. Unlike the rest of the peleton who've all chosen to ride in blue, CSC and Caisse d'Epargne have had the novel idea of wearing IDENTICAL KITS.
The result? EXCITING, AGGRESSIVE VALVERDE won Fleché Wallonne, whilst BORING, RUBBISH BASSO worked at the front of the peleton briefly. In Liége-Bastogne-Liége, AMAZING, ENTERTAINING VALVERDE kept a cool head and won easily, whereas DULL FASHION VICTIM BASSO could only manage one mediocre attack.
Using the most up to date scientific analysis of form and variables, then applying the "I want Valverde to come round for dinner" modifier, we can now confirm that Alejandro Valverde will beat Ivan Basso in the Tour de France by at least 15 minutes. Remortgage your house and sell your daughter's kidneys on eBay, then get down to Ladbrokes because THIS IS A DEAD CERT.
Running score: Attacking riders 2-0 Conservative riders
The result? EXCITING, AGGRESSIVE VALVERDE won Fleché Wallonne, whilst BORING, RUBBISH BASSO worked at the front of the peleton briefly. In Liége-Bastogne-Liége, AMAZING, ENTERTAINING VALVERDE kept a cool head and won easily, whereas DULL FASHION VICTIM BASSO could only manage one mediocre attack.
Using the most up to date scientific analysis of form and variables, then applying the "I want Valverde to come round for dinner" modifier, we can now confirm that Alejandro Valverde will beat Ivan Basso in the Tour de France by at least 15 minutes. Remortgage your house and sell your daughter's kidneys on eBay, then get down to Ladbrokes because THIS IS A DEAD CERT.
Running score: Attacking riders 2-0 Conservative riders
Lance Armstrong to run the New York marathon
Published by Halverde on 4/22/2006 at 21:16.
We admire Lance's moment of truthfulness in admiting that he's only running to fill the gaping void in his life rather than to raise money for charity. What with all the time he's spent hanging around with George W. Bush and chatting to Jay Leno, it's quite satisfying that he's made a return to "selfish bastard" form.
But filling the devasting emptiness with SPORT? Ex-professional cyclists are supposed to fill their hollow, tattered lives with frame-building, binge-eating or being fucking hermits, not SPORT. This only emphasises our belief that Lance isn't a proper cyclist at all.
Derailed suspects that Lance will pay eight other runners to pace him at the front, before running the final 15 metres alone. Seven times. Until everybody is so fucking bored of him winning it that they start inventing drug charges just to make him go away.
But filling the devasting emptiness with SPORT? Ex-professional cyclists are supposed to fill their hollow, tattered lives with frame-building, binge-eating or being fucking hermits, not SPORT. This only emphasises our belief that Lance isn't a proper cyclist at all.
Derailed suspects that Lance will pay eight other runners to pace him at the front, before running the final 15 metres alone. Seven times. Until everybody is so fucking bored of him winning it that they start inventing drug charges just to make him go away.
