1. Not to ever spill Gilberto Simoni's pint in a pub. He seems to go from being best friends with people to mortal enemies with a schizophrenic disregard for... well, everything really. We wanted to make a complicated 3D chart demonstrating his effect on the career trajectories of every superstar cyclist he's started a fight with, but we realised we couldn't actually be arsed.

2. The producers of the Giro d'Italia coverage like dogs. A lot. Was there a breed that didn't get a close up whilst being held in an Italian's arms? We're sure we even saw a pug dog (the best breed in the world) on stage three.

3. Removing a major climb and the dramatic, snowy, unpaved summit finish of the best stage of the race is a bit of a rubbish idea, really.

4. A Phonak can finish on the poduim of a grand tour without being stripped of his position for doping offenses. (Lesson subject to change.)

5. It DOES rain in Italy!

It seems the dalmation wasn't as unparalleled as previously implied. The fantastic Johnny Payphone, who may or may not be someone we should've already heard of, has been providing the internet with bicycling animals for some time.

C.H.V.C.K.E.N. DCLXVI.

It's mostly about chickens, as the name suggests, but there's enough creatures on show here to satisfy many more bestiary obsessions.

We owe a debt to Japan -- kimonos, Hello Kitty, dark eyed xenophobes; the land of the rising sun made them all cool. Now from the country that brought you hentai tentacle rape comes something unparalleled in Western society: a cycling dalmation. The best thing ever? Probably. You've seen it before? More than likely, but who cares? This video almost makes it seem worthwhile to have a pet.











More videos of cycling animals, please.

Japan confuses us

The most important aspect in becoming a victorious cycle racer is enjoying a powerful bond with your team manager. From Coppi and Binda (well sort of, bear with us) to Armstrong and Bruyneel, all the grand champions of the post-War period have had an almost telepathic link with their directeur sportifs. And now, with little over a month to the Tour de France, we can guarantee that both Alexander Vinokourov and Monolo Saiz are thinking exactly the same thing: "Oh shit." How's that for being on the same wavelength?

(Is it bad taste to be making light of the biggest disaster to happen in cycling since 1998?)

EXT. LUXEMBOURG, 13TH JULY 1993. BEHIND THE TOUR DE FRANCE STAGE 17 VICTORY PODIUM.

It is a characteristically sunny day in Luxembourg. MIGUEL INDURAIN has just won the Tour de France’s 65km time-trial, taking the yellow jersey. After the presentation, an INTERVIEWER approaches INDURAIN.

With just the Dauphiné Libéré and final week of the Giro left before the Tour de France, now is the time to get some final training in before the big event. And now, for one week only, we're making available the DerailedUK performance plan entirely free of charge. Begin following these simple steps now to see a marked improvement in your Eurosport cycling consumption during July:

1. Start taking an interest in tennis
If the Giro is anything to go by, you'll be seeing a lot more tennis than cycling as it over-runs on both Eurosport channels and the BBC at the same time. So you might as well enjoy it. Will Tiger Tim win, or will British hopes rest on the shoulders of that one who vomitted? For the greatest results, also try to eat strawberries and cream and read the Daily Mail.

2. Blank out David Duffield
Or rather: tune out David Duffield, whilst also allowing the most stupid things he says to slip into your conciousness for ridicule. Whilst the chances of being able to do a Duffield recce prior to the Tour look slim, practicing on David Harmon's commentary should at least serve as a warm up. Trust us, your sanity will thank you for doing so.

3. Convince yourself the race is worth watching, even though it has been won with at least a week to spare
The absence of Lance Armstrong means that training your skill in this discipline won't be as necessary as in the previous two years' Tours, but it is nonetheless a distinct possibility given the sorry lack of depth in serious overall contenders. In fact, there's only two. Two and half if you include Valverde.
Don't say: "This is boring."
Do say: "Wow, he's leading by four minutes after the first week, what a ride!"

4. Buy a Nintendo DS or a Sony PSP or a book
So you can "watch" the dull flat stages from beginning to end without being bored. There aren't many pre-Tour flat stages available for practicing this skill, but the Giro's final day and a middling Dauphiné stage should be sufficient. Make sure you can focus your attention just enough to be able to reel off the winners of all the primes and the top five at the finish.

5. Tick off the clichés of specific races
Use our checklist for the Giro and make your own for the Dauphiné. You'll be hearing the same statistics, stories and sayings that you have at every year's Tour de France previously, so you'll need to be prepared to treat them with light humour rather than considering them as legitimation for a muderous rampage.

The first two weeks of the Giro might have shown us how strong Basso is, but they've also shown us what he's bad at:


Overtaking tiny, slow people in time trials.


Descending.


Maintaining his grumpy, focused face even when he's on podium.


Making the sport interesting. Stop beating all your main rivals so easily, Ivan.

All images copied and pasted from Cycling News apart from the one that we seemed to have already uploaded to our server, which could have come from anywhere really.

Not so bad. A bit much like the first one, but probably won't result in Paolo Bettini whinging about aeroplanes. Could've happened on Monday when we were too busy to watch the race live and had to wait for the rubbish late night version.

We rate it 2/10, mainly for all the uninspired "what do the riders really do on a rest day" articles and pointless reviews of the race so far that the two rest days have spawned.

Bonus rest day special feature:
For every five days of racing in this year's Giro there has been one rest day. The Giro's recent attempts at regaining its historical grandeur don't stop at the dirt track mountain passes they've been forcing the riders over for the past couple of years. No, the two rest days so far this year are just the start; soon there'll be one rest day to every day of racing, and all stages will be 350km long and start at 2am. Look out for Gibo Simoni sporting a curly moustache and single speed bike at next year's event.

The best bit of today's stage? When we heard David Harmon say, "It's... WHOOSH!... WHOOSH! past the motorcycle there." Obviously he was rehearsing his lines for a cameo role in the inevitable comic book translation of Lance's Armstrong's life.

Bonus feature:
Current number of times that David Duffield has said "diddy" in this year's Giro: 212. (To end of stage 9.)

Harry Pearson has written what is possibly the most witty and topical cycling joke for years to come.



We find it impossible to enjoy any joke that is essentially "This is the tour of ITALY and a tiny part of it is taking place in BELGIUM! HAHAHAHA!" And it's probably not going to be the freshest joke in the world if it has to refer to a race that hasn't taken place for thirteen years and a cyclist who hasn't touched a bicycle since the year 2000. The mass media isn't even interested in our sport enough to find time to mock it properly :(

But we're going to have to let Harry Pearson live, since he's a cycling fan and wrote that book about Belgium.

Never be bored again! When you print off this fantastic checklist as a compliment to Eurosport's coverage, even the most boring flat stage becomes a joy to watch! Soon you'll be cheering the occurrence of things that previously made your blood boil!

Download the PDF file.

First person to (legitimately) complete the checklist and e-mail us will receive a special prize.

Some highlights from the 2006 Giro d'Italia Fashion line. Look away now if you're particularly susceptible to the pressures of consumerism.


This is one for student types to wear with their three-quarter length trousers and think they're better than us because girls actually want to talk to them.


Ten points for being absurdly geeky and retro enough to make us love it. Minus a million points for all the people over 50 who'll be wearing them.


Nobody, not even the most suave of Italians, could possibly manage to not look like a twat in this. Wear it to embarass your children.

Verdict: Fashion is rubbish. Giro d'Italia fashion is more rubbish because it's cynical tat that comes in "retro" drained-out colours to make it appeal more to the rich old men who're actually prepared to wank away £50 on a t-shirt. And the last one looks like it was designed by a five year old with a set of crayons that had been left out in the sun too long.

Giro d'Italia Fashion
http://www.officinafashion.com/

We've not actually written anything about the Giro so far, and so -- in keeping with our offbeat image -- we've decided to discuss it on the one day nothing is taking place. We actually considered waiting until tomorrow and writing a review of the rest day, but we think that we probably won't be able to get away with things like that until we've got at least a handful of loyal readers who'll laugh at whatever rubbish we put on here.

Savoldelli won stage one, which is BAD. He'll probably win the whole Giro now, and keep up his modest FACADE whilst he's at it just so we feel guilty about badmouthing him on here all the time. We've noticed that Basso has been looking incredibly troubled throughout the whole race so far -- maybe he's read the nasty things we wrote about him? It's ok Ivan, beat that awful Salvoldelli guy and we'll love you as much as we love Valverde. Stages two and four were rubbish, that Australian fella won.

Stage three was the most enjoyable by far, and not just because most of the coverage was taken up with showing us fat Belgians holding dogs because the motorcycle and helicopter cameras weren't working. It was one of those stages that remind us how much better the Giro is than either of the other two Grand Tours -- where the Tour and Vuelta have flat, mountain, or time-trial stages, the Giro offered us a new setting: "challenging". The "challenging" setting features Beglium, rain and cobbles, but not quite enough Belgium, rain and cobbles to make it into a Northern Classic. We'd call it 10% of a Northern Classic, which is still fairly Classic-y. Petacchi rode 50Km on a shattered kneecap, only to discover that he'd been shown up by Christophe Brandt who'd finished 26th on the final climb with a broken arm.

Because we're not proper cycling journalists like Cycle Sport, we haven't quite worked out how to quantify excitement down into a number between one and ten. But we are reasonably versed in saying things are better than other things, so we've decided that so far the Giro 06 has been...
Better than: Manchester Regional Track League
Worse than: Criterium International

Must do better. Unless you want to lose our support, you MUST make them ride over a dirt track with sections at 25% within the next fourteen days.

Rujano's Selle-Italia Corratec bike has been especially designed with him in mind and is custom built to fit his riding position perfectly. Thanks largely to intelligent, cutting edge design -- but perhaps owing just a little to the rider's own petite body -- the monocoque frame weighs a mere one gram, or roughly one hundredth of a King Size Galaxy bar.


Rujano demonstrates his newly-improved climbing position

Despite the obvious disadvantages on fast, flat stages, the US penny sized wheels ensure that the entire bike is so light that this problem is far outweighed by the increased climbing prowess it promises.


Wafer thin for increased aerodynamics

As well as the obvious benefits that accompany the size of the frame and wheels, Rujano's Corratec also contains the equipment at the forefront of cycling technologies. He's riding the latest Campagnolo three tooth chainset, still in development, which is poised to make previous compact chainsets redundant within the next three years.

To put it frankly, we want to worship at its tiny little wheels.

Or:

We're just being silly. The image is, of course, from occasional Derailed (Google-)advertiser Go-Velo-City, who distribute miniature cycling related things. If you want to buy a little man on a little bike and pretend that he's riding a Tour de Your Mantlepiece, we've provided the link at the end. But if they're advertising in that box to your right, click that instead of the link because that'll just work out better for all involved.

TOMORROW:
We post something amazing that was meant to go on here last Friday.

Go-Velo-City
http://www.go-velo-city.com

Ullrich's professionalism knows no bounds. In having his prized long hair cut especially for the Giro, he's made it abundantly clear that in order to return to the racing scene as light as possible he'll stop at nothing. Well, apart from making a concerted effort to not binge eat from August to April, that is.

Jan, we salute your determination.

And we're going to follow suit, mainly because the only other topical thing we could write about is the Quatre Jours de Dunkerque and we haven't heard of either of the two stage winners so far. Obviously we've got some big plans for our coverage of the three weeks of the Giro, so you should definitely stay tuned. In the meantime, we've decided to succumb to the uniform trends of the global cycling media and offer you a space-filling overview of the exact same riders that are being discussed in every cycling magazine in Europe.

Jose Rujano
We love Jose. In fact, if Jose released a press release telling everyone to stab themselves in the stomach with a fountain pen, we'd definitely be the first people on the planet to do so. But even we're cynical when we hear him being touted as a serious contender this year. Derailed remains unconvinced that spending nine months stamping your feet just because you're earning less in a year than a part-time dustbin man earns in a month is better preparation for a Grand Tour than, say, actually riding a bike and doing some training. Regardless, we wish you the best of luck, Jose. (Note how we avoided making a crude joke about his height (or lack of). At one point we really did consider using a pun about how he and his directeur sportif don't see eye to eye.)

Alessandro Petacchi
We'll be honest: we've not taken the slightest bit of interest in Petacchi in the run up to the Giro. Now Boonen and Valverde are winning everything, what need have we to cling to Ale-Jet? We'll probably change our minds when his seven stage wins are the only things we've been able to write about in the first week of the race, but for now we remain indifferent.

Gilberto Simoni
Here at Derailed we like our cyclists flawed, aggressive and stupidly named, and Gibo manages to cover all three of those bases. So hopefully Simoni will win again this year, even if it means putting up with David Duffield telling us every twenty minutes that he's going to be joining the greats, "He'll be up there with three wins alongside Eddy Merckx and... errr... so many brilliant riders... oh look Sean, we saw that tree when we drove in last night!"

Paolo Savoldelli
"The Falcon!" "The Falcon is really good at descending, you know." "They call him The Falcon because he can descend." He won the Giro last year without actually doing anything, least of all attacking, which is the most boring possible way to win something. Yes, in the most exciting stage race of last year, the least interesting rider won. Apparently there are some people who like Savoldelli, but we are not them.

Danilo Di Luca
We never actually liked Di Luca much until last season, then he went and won everything before sacrificing a chance of a podium spot in the Giro so he could help ex-teammate Simoni try to beat Savoldelli. A serious contender this year? Perhaps. He's certainly got an added incentive in that even the disgusting pink leader's jersey is nicer than the Liquigas one he'd have to wear otherwise. If that's not an edge over his rivals then we don't know what is.

Some Others
A catch-all category, included because we were already scraping the barrell in writing this preview as it was, and trying to think of something remotely interesting to write about a rider as dull as Ivan Basso is too great a task at this hour of the night.

Phew, we almost sort of kind of sounded like proper cycling journalists for a minute there. Dry, desolate humour? What's that?

Here at Derailed we're not normally ones to use "gay" as a derogatory term, but in trying to think of a subject title we realised that we ARE trying to cater for an internet audience. We'll do whatever it takes to generate some clickthroughs, even if means resorting to crude prejudices.

Anyway. T-Mobile have announced that they'll be riding in a new kit for the 2006 Tour de France. It's still the hugely effeminate pink/white combination, so don't be expecting to be able to look like Jan without giving motorists fodder for shouting "poof" at you. But, in a gross act of appeasement, they've added a little blue line across the chest. We all know that blue is the universal colour of "boy".


You'll still look like a disgusting, unimaginative blob in it, don't worry.

Apart from it isn't all being done in the name of profits. It's actually a charity cause for UNICEF to raise funds for education in Africa, something that should really make us feel guilty for taking the piss earlier, but doesn't. One hundred percent of the seventy-five Euro sale price goes to the charity and the company has pledged 3,000 Euros for every stage the team wins. (And, in an alarming vote of no confidence, "something special" if they manage to get the overall.)

It's a good cause and, presumably, the more Africans T-Mobile manage to get educated the more people there are in the world to assemble complex mobile phones and work in call centres for a few pence a day.

Buy the new jersey here:
http://www.fanshop.t-mobile-team.com/output/controller.aspx?cid=212&detail=10&detail2=39

Yes, you read it right. Tom Boonen, the only rider in the peloton strong enough to be able to lift a Paris-Roubaix winners' cobble, has SOLD OUT. Disheartened much? We've managed to get our grubby little hands on a video so top secret that it's only been available on YouTube for the past four months. This may shock and/or deprave you.













So it's not a real advert. This is disappointing because the first time we saw it we started to think that maybe European marketing executives used sportspeople in ways that were infinitely more interesting than the "David Beckham looking a bit serious" dirges we're forced to watch every fifteen minutes in England. If all adverts involving athletes were made like this fake one then Floyd Landis could probably use his comedy face to earn enough money to retire.

We still want some anti-smell face cream though. That's the awesome selling power of Tornado Tom. We'd buy anything he put his name to, even cough sweets made of radium. (But we're still not going to buy those rubbish Le Coq Sportif tracksuits.)

Watch the full video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0dbRTwB0WM