So we never quite got round to posting all the World Cup related things we had planned. But since the Tour de France starts AND England's World Cup ends on Saturday, this week is the perfect time for a World Cup blowout.

Thing one: a bicycle football match!

Football's boring, there's hardly any bike riding in it at all. OR IS THERE?



If you listen really closely, you can hear someone doing their own version of the classic football shout, "Break his legs". "Dent his top tube," they say. We're not lying.

Like football, but better.

The only thing he ever seems to be cable of winning, to be specific. That's the Dutch national championships, obviously. Boogerd has now won his country's national championships three times, which means he's won more national championships than all other races combined. And that Amstel Gold Race seven years ago was kind of a national championships anyway.

But who cares? Just because his fame and popularity might be disproportionate to his ability doesn't mean he doesn't deserve it. Besides, Boogerd deserves his place in cycling history purely on the basis that he's the only rider that gets asked to sign copies of his dental records. All neo-pros should be taught to have a noticeable flaw, us cycling fans find it endearing.

In even better news:

Adrie Visser was 7th in the elite women's race! We couldn't find a report because CyclingNews are disgusting misogynists and we couldn't be bothered Googling for one on a different site, but we reckon that all the other entrants probably just ganged up on her for being too lovely. Seventh place isn't so bad anyway, is it? If anyone has any photographs of her triumphant result, please send them to us.

Ivan and Micaela Basso probably sighed with dismay as the news of the birth of Gilberto Simoni's first son broke just a month after the birth of their second child. In twenty-six years time, we're almost certain to be watching Basso Jr. winning the Giro with Ivan's perfected balance of sublime attractiveness and aching dullness, whilst Simoni Jr. will be demonstrating Gilberto's own tried and tested dummy-spitting technique. Podium insults and "I'm too mature to respond to that" responses. This is the future they're making for us, an endless loop of comfortable wins and bad losers. Just don't leave the prams parked next to each other guys, it's a recipe for childish Rusk fights.

There are no rumours currently circulating that Gibo has already called young Enrico a bastardo and refused to belong to the same team as him. This is a huge surprise.

Marzio Bruseghin won the Italian time trial championship, ahead of such highly regarded testers as... err... that guy who won a stage in the Tour of Poland six years ago. The odds of a kneejerk "potential prologue winner" reaction from the cycling media must be pretty high at the moment.

Apparently, wearing his national champion's jersey in the Tour's time trials will be "a great honour" for Bruse. That's good, because there won't be much opportunity for him to feel proud for the rest of the Tour when he's reduced to doing donkey work for the hopeless Lampre squad.

EXT. SOMEWHERE BETWEEN FUTUROSCOPE AND LOUDUN, JULY 2ND, 2000.

On his Tour de France debut, Britain's DAVID MILLAR has won the previous day's prologue time trial ahead of defending champion LANCE ARMSTRONG. He proves to be a popular race leader. ARMSTRONG approaches him in the peleton.

INT. LANCE ARMSTRONG’S ROOM IN THE MOST EXPENSIVE HOTEL IN FUTUROSCOPE, JULY 1ST, 2000.

Having been beaten by DAVID MILLAR by two seconds in the Tour’s prologue, LANCE ARMSTRONG has returned to his hotel room ready to prepare for the next day’s racing. He is pacing in front of the large mirror that dominates his luxury suite, looking worried. He stops, then points at his reflection and winks.


He jumps up into the air and punches a chair in the corner of the room.

It's time for some bicycle safety lessons, sixties style. For those of you who don't know what "the sixties" were, it was a period of time so long ago that you could actually say things like "Slim knew that his big sack would be hard to handle" and it wouldn't arouse a dirty laugh from your audience.


Tinkerbell McDillingfiddy -- all girls looked like this in the 1960s

The video raises a serious dilemma -- the guys who don't follow the rules of the road die, but the one who does obey the rules gets fat. Eternity in a cold grave or a lifetime of being laughed at every time you take your shirt off? After some slight deliberation, we decided that we find death much more appealing than obesity.

We've certainly learned a valuable safety lesson from watching this: never go on a ride with some monkeys. Those guys won't even slow down if a steamroller flattens you. Right? Right.

Watch the video here, and be scarred for life in the process.

Iban Mayo is good again! This is even better than winning a lifetime supply of Jaffa Cakes AND getting a puppy for Christmas!

Fresh from the DerailedUK mailbox:

http://www.famousbelgians.net
According to the email we're supposed to say something hilariously cynical about this, but we're honestly just delighted that it exists.

It also led to us "cleverly" editing a history of Zarathustra to create this biography of Eddie Merckx. We wanted to post it on Wikipedia but we realised that it's probably more legitimate than the rubbish that's already on there.

Does David Duffield think that he's living in the year 2010 or something? Yesterday he mentioned that we might recall "way back" when Dave Zabriskie took the yellow jersey in the Tour de France. Or 2005, to those who live in the present day. Today, he mentioned Thomas Voeckler wearing the yellow jersey in the Tour de France "all those years ago". Or the 2004 event, less than two years ago, for the same crazy people who choose to live in 2006 rather than five years in the future. Strangely, he also referred to Nicolas Inaudi as being a young rider who only just turned pro six years ago. Maybe Duffield lives outside time altogether?

But Duffield can also hugely useful as a commentator. At one point today he told the audience not to mind "the ones blasting past on the left because they're race motorcycles," which was quite helpful because until he said that we thought that the rider in the huge helmet going 80km/h uphill whilst carrying a man holding a television camera was going to win the race. Phew.

INT. SUPER U TEAM BUS, JULY 23 1989.

LAURENT FIGNON has just lost the 1989 Tour de France and witnessed an evil cyborg go on a rampage after posing as his manager. Whilst his domestiques and mechanics are dealing with the problem, FIGNON is eating a sandwich. BJARNE RIIS enters the team bus.




Cut to a close up of a metal plate, inscribed on which are the words "MADE IN USA"

INT. SUPER U TEAM BUS, JULY 23 1989.

LAURENT FIGNON has just finished 58 seconds behind GREG LEMOND in the final stage of the Tour de France, losing his overall race lead in the process. His manager, CYRIL GUIMARD, is waiting for him. Or so he thinks.







The latest "team with rubbish kit" news:
Oh dear. Looks like we might've been a little premature with lesson four.

INT. SUPER U TEAM BUS, JULY 23 1989.

LAURENT FIGNON is considering how best to defend his 50 second lead over GRED LEMOND during the final day of the Tour de France, a 24.5km long time-trial from Versailles to Paris. He discusses it with his manager, CYRIL GUIMARD. Or so he thinks.






In other, less ridiculous news:
The minutes of our monthly meeting are available.

Thanks to some leaked documents and a disregard for prior agreements, the whole world now knows that Lance Armstrong is officially "innocent". We're just waiting for the people who dismissed Lance's positive test because correct protocol wasn't followed to come to the same conclusion about the verdict. We're expecting to be waiting for a long, long time.