#4 - Super Tour 3 (PC)
Super Tour 3 has two qualities that, combined, separate it from every other cycling game available: it's free; and it's actually worth playing. Not only that, it's coded by a bedroom programmer rather than a big evil company, which is the main reason we're being so uncharacteristically nice about it. We'll stop now.



This game has plenty of menus. More than we're comfortable with, frankly, but they WILL let you mess around with all sorts of things. You can edit the fake team and rider names and statistics to make it, like, totally realistic. However, we much prefer the default format of having teams named after famous climbs, and riders with peculiarly false first names (we're looking at you, Frank Merckx, Cliff Armstrong and Barry Coppi). Usefully, you can also edit the length of a kilometer, meaning you can do 250km stages without having to endure it in real time. Of course, if you're a sadist, leaving it full length and playing long races could be quite exciting, although the prospect of spending seven hours of our life playing a single stage on a videogame seems a bit daunting to us.



Excitingly, there's a two player mode. The caveats determining whether or not it'll ever get used are so numerous and daunting that we won't even begin to list them, but one in a hundred of us should have a friend who fits the bill (and, let's face it, you're reading this on the internet, so you probably fit the geeky requirements best of all). Of all the things that might deter you from playing this game in multiplayer mode, the biggest factor is that it uses a turn-based control setup. Yep, you read right --a TURN-BASED control method in two player. It means what it says: that you take it in turns to control your rider(s), whilst the action continues. It also means that your rider misses every split in the peleton that doesn't occur during your turn, and that whichever player attacks first gets an ungodly lead. And you best hope that you're the player in charge when it comes down to the final sprint. So, errr, the two player mode is quite likely to cause major arguments rather than a cosy male bonding session.



Like Pro Cycling, Super Tour 3 contains both a management and an individual rider mode. Unlike Pro Cycling, either one is sort of worth your time. Management mode works pretty much like individual rider mode, but you have to tell everyone what to do. Our brains aren't really supple enough for such things, but it seems to work alright.

Both modes are greatly aided by a split screen option. You can easily set up up to four split screens to show you various things -- handy to keep an eye on the peleton when you're on the attack, or a breakaway who've gone up the road. It also serves the purpose of confusing things tenfold, especially at tense moments. Fact: trying to watch four different screens and manage an entire team just isn't possible if you only possess a mere two eyes.



There's also three whole camera angle to view the race from, each one cleverly flawed. The default places you directly behind your rider, perfectly positioned to see his low resolution buttocks wiggling awkwardly in the centre of your screen. If you hadn't noticed before we said that, we can guarantee that you won't be able to avoid looking at his lycra-clad buns the next time you play (sorry). The other two viewpoints elevate the camera, theoretically allowing you to see more of the race. It sort of works, and definitely allows you to see how many damn riders you'll get irritatingly stuck behind when you try to move up through the peleton, but it just looks weird. Because the riders are made of 2D sprites and the course is 3D (getting nerdy here, bear with us), the change of angle only affects the background, not the riders. Which means that from above the riders appear to be riding into the ground, or at least riding incredible low profile bikes (ones so extreme that they must look something like reverse penny farthings, no less).

Conclusion
Download it and blow a few hours. It beats playing solitaire, which you know you'll do instead of doing whatever it is you're supposed to be doing.

Download it here

Tomorrow
We'll think our update through properly, rather than just writing any old rubbish on the fly. Maybe.

We're loathe to become one of those websites that just post links to YouTube videos, but someone has sent us one that's actually worthy of being shared.



Normally we'd watch the video then post some pathetic jokes that only seem scathlingly witty in our own deluded minds, but this time is different. Because this really is the best thing we've ever seen on YouTube. And that's including the video of the dancing Bollywood midget and the cheating American keirin racers.

ブロウ (Blow) by RIP Slyme

...They've got a huge velodrome! Is keirin racing big in Korea?


Actually, it probably isn't a velodrome, we just couldn't decide exactly what it was. Type the coordinates on the picture into Google Earth and have a look, then let us know what you think.

Tomorrow
The next bit in the cycling video games write up! Or the DerailedUK media awards! Or something else!

#5 - Pro Cycling
The game that was so good they named a magazine after it. We've lost the back of the box it came in, but we're sure it promised unparalleled realism and exciting gameplay. The only thing it really offered was a huge disappointment.



The cover is a bit misleading, you can't actually ride a naff mountain bike down a 45 degree angle at any point in the game. You CAN participate in any of the 1996 editions of the three grand tours, or "manage" a team for the duration of a tour.



The riding part is fun and innovative. And by "fun" we mean "tiresome". And by "innovative" we mean "pointless". The bizarre control system is super fun to work out, since Midas Interactive Entertainment don't seem to believe in using arrow keys OR providing manuals. Excitable gamers who installed the game and started up a Tour de France were soon met with the challenge of trying to take a corner immediately after the start of the prologue, only to watch their rider crash into a wall. Repeatedly.

The controls get easier once you realise that you control the rider's speed only by adjusting the gears, and that you use G and H (or something similarly ludicrous) to turn. The gear system is a novel approach, flawed only by the fact that once you work out the best gearing for different terrains (it'll take about ten minutes of play time), you can win any race by miles without consuming any of your rider's energy. Ever wanted to see Chris Boardman win the Tour de France by three hours? Now you can.



We really shouldn't have used up the word "pointless" on the racing bit of the game. The management section is so utterly flawed that anybody caught playing it should be whipped with a rusty bike chain until they understand what they've done wrong. Rather than allowing you to interact with the race directly, you drag little icons onto a profile of the stage prior to it beginning. These icons mean things like "attack" and "eat". And you have to do it for every rider on your team. You run the risk of making your rider attack out of the peleton whilst a breakway group of 15 riders has a 20 minute lead, but that's cycle race tactics for you. The most exciting feature is the "counter attack" command, which works about as well as you'd expect of something that demands you make a blind guess as to the exact position over a 200 kilometre course that someone else might attack.



There's also the fact that you can't use Miguel Indurain, even though he had won five consecutive Tours de France and was gunning for a sixth when this game came out. And all the other riders' statistics are so outrageously wrong that your prior cycling knowledge will be worthless. Pantani who? Abraham Olano is where it's at.



Conclusion
Never play this game. Ever.

If we ever remember to do the next game on the list...
...we'll be looking at Super Tour 3! (Don't worry, we'll get to Pro Cycling Manager one day.)

The cyclist was someone who cycles regularly. Who'd have thought it? Lucky we've got police intelligence to clear these things up.

Police hunt pervert cyclist

Tomorrow:
We'll rant about Ivan Basso getting let off for cheating, unless we can find an example of bad journalism to insult instead.

How to build a successful Floyd Landis style defence:

- Decide not to turn up to the B Sample test, despite the fact that the laboratory and UCI allow the rider to be present to ensure the test is completed according to protocol.
- State that you've never received the results and that everything the media has heard is a lie (before using the test results and favourable media reports as evidence that you're innocent).
- Claim that test protocol wasn't followed.

Floyd's also suing the last company he went for an interview with, on the grounds that he missed his bus because he didn't go and get his bus. Or is that analogy a bit weak? Either way, it's hard to think that missing the B Sample was part of the plan from the beginning -- he had an opportunity to kick up a fuss BEFORE the test took place and make sure everything was done to WADA standard.

Obviously not being there when the test was conducted puts him in a much better position to judge how the laboratory tested his sample than it would if he HAD been there. Doesn't make a lick of sense does it? And that's the entire basis for his defence. SIGH.

Tomorrow
We'll stop with all this unpopular rubbish. We're probably going to get an e-mail from Floyd's lawyers anyway.

Super special update! Floyd Landis's massive disgusting PR campaign has begun. Trust an American to think that getting lots of people to like him will mean he's innocent.

So far:
- Powerpoint presentation on his website, that we haven't watched. Almost certainly features the phrase "protocol wasn't followed".
- 300 page report on his website, that we haven't read. Almost certainly features the phrase "protocol wasn't followed" several times.
- Forum posts. In which Floyd assures everyone that he's innocent by making broad claims, but tells everyone to read the 300 page report whenever someone asks for something more substantial. Often responds to difficult questions with "I can prove it, but I don't know whether I can talk about it yet", which is code for "My lawyer didn't answer the phone when I phoned him to ask what to say."

Thus:
- Floyd is innocent, and he has broad claims to prove it.
- Broad claims not enough? How about a report that can't possibly be summed up in less than 300 pages?
- Besides, he seemed like a fun chap when he posted on that forum the other day.

Therefore:
- He must be innocent, why would a guilty man throw money into providing lots of vague, cloudy arguments and try to circulate a discourse of innocence through various marketing campaigns?
- He also must be innocent because he's a Mennonite and they don't take performance enhancing drugs. They DO make Powerpoint presentations, date supermodels and travel the globe taking part in sporting events, however.

He still looks like a monster, however this all pans out. (And let's face it, we're not expecting him to get in any trouble from USADA whatsoever.)

We didn't get sent free tickets, so we're not actually there. But we can pretend.

9.57am We're stood waiting outside, really regretting spending loads of money on getting the early train. And everyone is looking at us because we're covered in sweat from running through the city to get here on time. :((((

10.05am It's open! Later than expected. Someone stood on the back of our shoes and hurt our ankles, but we're so excited that the excrutiating pain has already dropped to a dull ache.

10.25am It's too busy. The only stand we can get near to is the Barclays one, and they're insistant that we take out a mortgage.

11.10am We found the bit that lets people test ride a mountain bike. We're too shy to have a go, but we're hanging around feigning indifference and taking photos so we can write something sarcastic about it later to make us feel superior.

11.43am Everybody in the cycle fashion show is a bell end.

12.15pm We're hungry, but going to the café means talking to the pretty girl behind the counter. We'll steal a Ginsters pasty from a service station on the way home instead.

12.34pm Found Johan Museeauw. We're not brave enough to ask him serious questions or have a friendly chat, and he just looks confused when we finally say "Why are you so good?" quite quietly. Everyone is looking at us like we're stupid, we can tell.

1.20pm David Duffield just rode past on a skateboard wearing a backwards baseball cap and shouting "cowabunga". We've realised that we must've left the camera outisde the café, so nobody will ever believe us that it happened.

1.50pm There's a trials riding section, to prove that people with baggy trousers are allowed to ride bikes too. We take a photograph of their captive audience: a bored looking man stood with his bemused daughter.

2.30pm Too many people. We leave the show and mission through London.

3.00pm Our train is delayed.

7.30pm We've arrived home in Liverpool, only to discover we're locked out of the house.

7.45pm But it's ok, because we can climb in through the bathroom window.

7.47pm We're watching cartoons and feeling sorry for ourselves and wishing we'd done something better with our lives than become mediocre writers for a rubbish website whose future prospects are, at best, successful integration into the PR-by-proxy world of English language cycling journalism.

7.48pm Having a bit of a cry.

To conclude:
Great show, full of wonderful people. We've got lots of bags and stickers and rubbish cotton caps to give away on the website. 7/10

Please send us free tickets next year
Pretty please. It's like payola, only you don't get the feeling of guilt because you know we're still going to write something nasty and sarcastic about it all.

How would YOU like to win the World Road Race Championships? Well now you can. DerailedUK has teamed up with the UCI to offer one lucky reader the opportunity to wear the rainbow bands for a whole year.



To enter, simply e-mail us a limerick of your choice. Don't forget to include your jersey size, address and daytime telephone number!

All names will be entered into a prize draw and the lucky winner will be chosen by a rigged heated ball selection process (don't forget to enter, Paolo). You will be notified within 28 days of winning.

Slipping standards
Yes, we know that Paolo Bettini won the Worlds ages ago and everybody is talking about Samuel Sanchez and the Paris-Tours now. Give us a break, at least we finally got around to posting it.

Tomorrow:
We launch a new campaign, with wristbands and everything (honestly).

Bettini has actually gone and done it. We're going to have our eyes assaulted by his gold-rainbow monstrosity for a whole year now.