Carmichael Training Systems exposé
Published by Halverde on 1/29/2007 at 17:23.
Our latest rubbish e-mail from rubbish Carmichael Training Systems:
They can't even write an e-mail with words in it because they're so rubbish! We're never ever going to click the "display images" link, which means we win.
They can't even write an e-mail with words in it because they're so rubbish! We're never ever going to click the "display images" link, which means we win.
Animals on bikes t-shirts?!
Published by Halverde on 1/25/2007 at 16:38.
We have nothing to do with this. But it saves us designing out own official t-shirts, so we fully endorse you buying them. Show the world you support the Animals On Bikes Campaign.
We're still on course to have a canine Tour champion by 2017 :) :) :)
Y-frame mammals
Published by Halverde on 1/22/2007 at 18:23.
What better way to start the week than with this Animals On Bikes image sent to us by a Mr Joe Dick Seals. If the RSPCA weren't already investigating him on account of his name, this ACTUAL PHOTO should be enough to earn him a place on their blacklist.
It's a polar bear on a bike! Look how happy he is! Polar bears have to ride mountain bikes because of all the snow there is at whichever pole it is they live at. We're not quite sure why he's in a playground, but it must've taken him an awful long time to get there riding that tiny little gear.
Keep sending in your Animals On Bikes things, folks.
It's a polar bear on a bike! Look how happy he is! Polar bears have to ride mountain bikes because of all the snow there is at whichever pole it is they live at. We're not quite sure why he's in a playground, but it must've taken him an awful long time to get there riding that tiny little gear.
Keep sending in your Animals On Bikes things, folks.
A brief photoreview of Revolution 16
Published by Halverde on 1/21/2007 at 15:29.
We were "helpers" this time, which meant we were allowed to go rub Craig Mclean's legs. "SHELPER POPPADOM" seemed a bit risky so we didn't alter the wristband.
This is the track. Usually there are bikes riding on it.
Revolution 16, then. We say this every time now, but this actually was the best Revolution event ever. The racing is always much better when there aren't any road racing superstars or old folks doing silly things. Even the 60 lap scratch race was utterly fascinating.
Not a lot going on in the track centre this time around. There was a nice Isaac track bike that we considered stealing though.
There were lots of horrible children running around, mind. One of them will probably end up being the next Chris Hoy, but we still wish they'd express their youthful vitality somewhere we don't have to see or hear them.
And this is a corridor. The man on the right is sneaking a look at us, unaware that the fisheye lens captures all.
At the end of the night we managed to see Arnaud Tournant naked from the waist down, which is the most French type of nakedness there is. Vicky Pendleton was walking around in knee-high boots too, which reminded us a lot of a wonderful dream we once had.
Conclusion
This Revolution: 9/10
Whole 2006-2007 series: 9/10
South Bank Grill: 4/10
Boardman's Bar: 6/10
Presenting... The Bike Basket!
Published by Halverde on 1/19/2007 at 20:22.
Welcome to The Bike Basket, the first, best and ONLY cycling shopping channel in the world! It's created by Cycling.tv, who we like a lot, so we've made this update really long and probably a little bit sycophantic.
We made a note before it had even started that just read "QVC with lycra."
But straight away we knew it was going to be worth watching.
She's a very good presenter too.
With a lovely Irish accent.
But she seemed pretty impressed with Brian Smith, so we probably don't stand a chance. We're going to get our revenge by posting lots of pictures of her with her eyes closed.
The very first thing ever sold on a cycling shopping channel was a Bianchi bike. That's good, because we love Bianchi bikes. She referred to it as "Bianchi blue" and not "celeste", but that's just about forgivable.
"Ideal if yours have broke."
"It's like putting on a pair of boxing gloves."
It doesn't seem tacky like QVC. Because it's limited to a specfic time-slot and subject matter and sells quality products at bargain prices rather than just tat from Hong Kong, this could REINVENT THE TV SHOPPING GENRE!
That said, we're not sure if we'd just tune in and umpulsively spend £1000 on a bike. Maybe if you're already in the market to buy a new bike it would be worth watching the show to pick up your steed at a bargain price. Accessories were cheap though, and we're quite surprised we managed to resist buying any more things that say Pearl Izumi on them.
We could go on, but you should just watch it yourself.
We mean, really, what else would you be doing at 7pm on a Thursday anyway?
The only viable alternative that we can think of is The Simpsons on Sky One, and that's probably a repeat from 1993 that they showed last week.
Stimulate the economy
It's on Thursdays at 7pm on Cycling.tv. Buying cycling-related products just got scarily easy.
We made a note before it had even started that just read "QVC with lycra."
But straight away we knew it was going to be worth watching.
She's a very good presenter too.
With a lovely Irish accent.
But she seemed pretty impressed with Brian Smith, so we probably don't stand a chance. We're going to get our revenge by posting lots of pictures of her with her eyes closed.
The very first thing ever sold on a cycling shopping channel was a Bianchi bike. That's good, because we love Bianchi bikes. She referred to it as "Bianchi blue" and not "celeste", but that's just about forgivable.
"Ideal if yours have broke."
"It's like putting on a pair of boxing gloves."
It doesn't seem tacky like QVC. Because it's limited to a specfic time-slot and subject matter and sells quality products at bargain prices rather than just tat from Hong Kong, this could REINVENT THE TV SHOPPING GENRE!
That said, we're not sure if we'd just tune in and umpulsively spend £1000 on a bike. Maybe if you're already in the market to buy a new bike it would be worth watching the show to pick up your steed at a bargain price. Accessories were cheap though, and we're quite surprised we managed to resist buying any more things that say Pearl Izumi on them.
We could go on, but you should just watch it yourself.
We mean, really, what else would you be doing at 7pm on a Thursday anyway?
The only viable alternative that we can think of is The Simpsons on Sky One, and that's probably a repeat from 1993 that they showed last week.
Stimulate the economy
It's on Thursdays at 7pm on Cycling.tv. Buying cycling-related products just got scarily easy.
A review of a thing we've been e-mailed about
Published by Halverde on 1/18/2007 at 15:03.
Apparently we're supposed to think of something "funny" to say about this.
$2.99 is $1.99 more than a LiveStrong wristband, and this one doesn't prevent cancer.
There's a little Onion logo on it, to demonstrate to complete strangers just how undiscerning your taste in websites is.
It's also bright yellow, so you'll look like you're only just catching up with the top fashion accessory of 2004. Fact: In the past eighteen months, not a single woman has slept with a man wearing a yellow wristband.
Estimated value
1/3 of a Raisin Hell
1/2 of a LiveStrong
2 of an I Support Drug Free Sport
$2.99 is $1.99 more than a LiveStrong wristband, and this one doesn't prevent cancer.
There's a little Onion logo on it, to demonstrate to complete strangers just how undiscerning your taste in websites is.
It's also bright yellow, so you'll look like you're only just catching up with the top fashion accessory of 2004. Fact: In the past eighteen months, not a single woman has slept with a man wearing a yellow wristband.
Estimated value
1/3 of a Raisin Hell
1/2 of a LiveStrong
2 of an I Support Drug Free Sport
Northwave in low airbrush budget shame
Published by Halverde on 1/17/2007 at 22:10.
Visible tanline on Tom's right thigh. Mucky smears in top left corner of image. No scantily clad Roman wenches Photoshopped into the background. 3/10
Animals On Bikes Campaign update
Published by Halverde on at 12:02.
:) :) :)
Animals On Bikes Campaign official launch
Published by Halverde on 1/16/2007 at 16:24.
That's it. Humans are boring cheaters who spend their wealth on rubbish cars and designer jeans. It's time we had new heroes. Ones who won't do a photoshoot standing in front of their PlayStation 3, surrounded by glittering trophies, explaining how this will be their year before crashing out of the Tour in the first week and finishing 27th in the Worlds. It's time we had heroes who don't take the latest pharmaceutical designer drugs and aren't interested in marrying supermodels. Who don't care if their bottle cage is made of carbon fibre or titanium. It's time we had heroes who may very well eat one another. Who don't shave their legs.
It's time for animals to ride bikes.
There are no stupid "praying mantis" positions when animals ride bikes. Unless the animal is a praying mantis, obviously.
Road races are exciting, right? Well... sometimes. Just imagine how much better it could be if there were feathers flying everywhere on those dull flat stages.
BMXes are still complete bollocks though. Men with cat heads make the whole thing only slightly more tolerable.
How to get involved
It's easy -- just send us real photographs, Photoshopped images or crude slash fictions involving animals on bikes. Anything, really, even if it means being a little bit cruel to your goldfish. We'll take care of the RSPCA. If someone can find us a real image of two horses riding a tandem, or do a pixel-perfect Photoshop of a giant milipede riding a peloton's worth of bikes, then we'll consider the campaign to have been a huge success.
What's in it for you?
None of that rubbish wrist-band stuff. That's SO 2004. Instead, we've got literally HUNDREDS of Animals On Bikes Campaign spoke cards to give away.
Spoke cards are better than wristbands because:
Permanent link to this page here. Tell everyone you know that you're no longer tolerating boring humans. Together, we can change cycle sport forever.
It's time for animals to ride bikes.
There are no stupid "praying mantis" positions when animals ride bikes. Unless the animal is a praying mantis, obviously.
Road races are exciting, right? Well... sometimes. Just imagine how much better it could be if there were feathers flying everywhere on those dull flat stages.
BMXes are still complete bollocks though. Men with cat heads make the whole thing only slightly more tolerable.
How to get involved
It's easy -- just send us real photographs, Photoshopped images or crude slash fictions involving animals on bikes. Anything, really, even if it means being a little bit cruel to your goldfish. We'll take care of the RSPCA. If someone can find us a real image of two horses riding a tandem, or do a pixel-perfect Photoshop of a giant milipede riding a peloton's worth of bikes, then we'll consider the campaign to have been a huge success.
What's in it for you?
None of that rubbish wrist-band stuff. That's SO 2004. Instead, we've got literally HUNDREDS of Animals On Bikes Campaign spoke cards to give away.
Spoke cards are better than wristbands because:
- They actually have something to do with cycling
- George W Bush doesn't have one
- They make people think that you ride alley cat races
- If you collect enough of them you can make a cheap disc wheel
Permanent link to this page here. Tell everyone you know that you're no longer tolerating boring humans. Together, we can change cycle sport forever.
Animals on bikes: brown bear
Published by Halverde on 1/11/2007 at 14:22.
Remember the dalmation? The kids dressed as monkeys? The website full of chickens? Now we've got a new animal to add to the roster: the brown bear. Click the image to first feel awestruck as you watch him in action, then sad as you realise just how cruel all of this is.
We bet cars give him plenty of room when they passSigh. The start of the racing season can't come quick enough.
We bet cars give him plenty of room when they pass
We know Pat McQuaid in that "real world" thing that we try to avoid by sitting in front of the computer day and night (so sorry about this one, Pat)
Published by Halverde on 1/10/2007 at 19:35.
DerailedUK favourite Jens Voigt has been voted German cyclist of 2006 by his fellow countrymen. This proves Pat McQuaid was right: Anglo-Saxon types really are the most intelligent.
Other racial generalisations that Pat McQuaid might make soon:
An academic book title that Pat can have for free to use when he's looking for new ways of making money after being sacked from the UCI:
The Caucasoid, Mongoloid and Negroid Behavioural Cycles: Examining the continuum of deviance within elite cycle sport.
And we're done
It's over, bloggers. We've flogged this dead horse for all it's worth now. Time to move on to the next topic.
Other racial generalisations that Pat McQuaid might make soon:
- Asian - Their dicks just aren't big enough to make them competitive. Plus they're all slitty-eyed and that.
- African - Hypermasculinised with superior athletic physique, but lacking in intelligence. Subject to animalistic sexual urges and have a notable weakness for the flavour of chicken.
- Inuit - Just roll around in the snow all day, hanging around with penguins.
- Gaelic - BANNED FROM THE OLYMPICS FOR VIOLATING THE TERMS OF AN ANTI-APARTHEID RESTRICTION ON COMPETING IN SOUTH AFRICA!!!!!!! (An early "hint" at McQuaid's apparent racism?)
An academic book title that Pat can have for free to use when he's looking for new ways of making money after being sacked from the UCI:
The Caucasoid, Mongoloid and Negroid Behavioural Cycles: Examining the continuum of deviance within elite cycle sport.
And we're done
It's over, bloggers. We've flogged this dead horse for all it's worth now. Time to move on to the next topic.
Official change of stance: WADA and the UCI are now corrupt
Published by Halverde on 1/09/2007 at 21:22.
Valverde implicated in Operacion Puerto :( We're blaming Dick Pound and the media. And we've got secret documents that prove that everybody other than Valverde is corrupt. Plus it's all part of a conspiracy by L'Equipe.
We'll continue to completely ignore this story in favour of happier news. Like YouTube videos of bears on tallbikes.
We'll continue to completely ignore this story in favour of happier news. Like YouTube videos of bears on tallbikes.
Floyd 4 Justice
Published by Halverde on 1/08/2007 at 15:27.
The Floyd Fairness Fund has launched! Their "mission" is "fairness and justice for Floyd", which is the same as our "mission". Unfortunately, their definition of "fairness and justice" doesn't involve him getting a slap in the face then being chopped up into little bits of meat to be fed to our underground lizard overlords, so we've got a slight difference of opinion there. Anyway, it's admirable that Floyd's supporters are so keen to use the media as a means of instigating their justice, which is absolutely, definitely a different thing to the "trial by media" they spend their time complaining about.
The real question that the site should be asking is why Landis is paying $2m to a lawyer who: a) Has an appalling track record in such cases; and b) Has thus far only managed to come up with a "they used Tip-Ex instead of biro pen" defence.
A final hello and goodbye...
...to all the freedom fries eating Yankie Doodle Dandies who bombard this site with hits whenever we mention Landis's name. One of our new year's resolutions was to quit snarkin' on Landis quite so much, so this should be the last time you'll have to spray your Pepsi out of the corner of your mouth in disgust at something you've seen on here. USA! USA! USA!
The real question that the site should be asking is why Landis is paying $2m to a lawyer who: a) Has an appalling track record in such cases; and b) Has thus far only managed to come up with a "they used Tip-Ex instead of biro pen" defence.
A final hello and goodbye...
...to all the freedom fries eating Yankie Doodle Dandies who bombard this site with hits whenever we mention Landis's name. One of our new year's resolutions was to quit snarkin' on Landis quite so much, so this should be the last time you'll have to spray your Pepsi out of the corner of your mouth in disgust at something you've seen on here. USA! USA! USA!
Some rubbish about magazines that we're going to drag out for the rest of the year - part one
Published by Halverde on 1/05/2007 at 13:46.
Welcome to the first annual Procycling vs Cycle Sport competition. Every month we'll take a look at the two magazines and use our honed "this is definitely an objective opinion" skills to determine which is the better and attribute the winner a point. In the event that the year ends with both magazines tied on six points each then... well, we don't know. We'll probably toss a coin, or see which editor is most willing to send us free stuff.
We like this format because:
- It gives us at least one thing to write about a month, unlike the ProTour
- We get to undermine other people's creativity without doing anything creative ourselves
- Neither magazine are in a position to copy it from us
Procycling
Procycling was the better magazine in 2006 (although there really wasn't much to choose between the two since they ran pretty much the same stories). But something has gone horribly awry in the new year. A hideous redesign, overly casual writing styles and the introduction of features such as "Fox Watch" all conspire to make it read like one of those tedious men's magazines aimed at serial masturbators with only a fistful of braincells.
Nuts
Things we like:
- It's a climbing special
- Fifty greatest climbs
- Rasmussen interview
- A really good calendar, that we've lost
Gay Times
Things we don't like:
- Lance on the cover
- Yet another pointless head-to-head interview, this time featuring the ever dull Tom Danielson
- That stuff about sportives
- Foxwatch
Cycle Sport
And so Cycle Sport joins us in 2007 as well, complete with possibly the worst magazine cover ever. Luckily the content is much more appealing, offering a wide selection of articles and features. They also balance their staunchly anti-doping stance with lots of things to whet our appetite for the coming season, which is good because we need constant reminders that cycling isn't completely rubbish.
Country Life
Things we like:
- Giro d'Italia photo special
- Broomwagon on top form
- The thing about our mate Pippo Pozzato
Generic DerailedUK Fanzine
Things we don't like:
- Yet another pointless interview involving Oscar bloody Pereiro
- The never-even-remotely-interesting Cycle Sport Challenge
- The fact that they're rating unquantifiable things on a scale of ten - we invented that
- It says "OUTSTANDING VALUE" on the front cover
Conclusion
Cycle Sport wins it this month. The photographs are excellent and there's much more variety in the features when compared to Procycling's shamelessly incline-centric agenda. But both magazines are probably worth your money this time around. You know, this could end up being a very close fought battle.
Next month:
More of the same. Although we can imagine ourselves getting very bored of this.
We like this format because:
- It gives us at least one thing to write about a month, unlike the ProTour
- We get to undermine other people's creativity without doing anything creative ourselves
- Neither magazine are in a position to copy it from us
Procycling
Procycling was the better magazine in 2006 (although there really wasn't much to choose between the two since they ran pretty much the same stories). But something has gone horribly awry in the new year. A hideous redesign, overly casual writing styles and the introduction of features such as "Fox Watch" all conspire to make it read like one of those tedious men's magazines aimed at serial masturbators with only a fistful of braincells.
Nuts
Things we like:
- It's a climbing special
- Fifty greatest climbs
- Rasmussen interview
- A really good calendar, that we've lost
Gay Times
Things we don't like:
- Lance on the cover
- Yet another pointless head-to-head interview, this time featuring the ever dull Tom Danielson
- That stuff about sportives
- Foxwatch
Cycle Sport
And so Cycle Sport joins us in 2007 as well, complete with possibly the worst magazine cover ever. Luckily the content is much more appealing, offering a wide selection of articles and features. They also balance their staunchly anti-doping stance with lots of things to whet our appetite for the coming season, which is good because we need constant reminders that cycling isn't completely rubbish.
Country Life
Things we like:
- Giro d'Italia photo special
- Broomwagon on top form
- The thing about our mate Pippo Pozzato
Generic DerailedUK Fanzine
Things we don't like:
- Yet another pointless interview involving Oscar bloody Pereiro
- The never-even-remotely-interesting Cycle Sport Challenge
- The fact that they're rating unquantifiable things on a scale of ten - we invented that
- It says "OUTSTANDING VALUE" on the front cover
Conclusion
Cycle Sport wins it this month. The photographs are excellent and there's much more variety in the features when compared to Procycling's shamelessly incline-centric agenda. But both magazines are probably worth your money this time around. You know, this could end up being a very close fought battle.
Next month:
More of the same. Although we can imagine ourselves getting very bored of this.
