Someone's broken PEZ! We're not the kind of serial masturbators who go and look at their daily distractions page every day (we're the kind of serial masturbators who download hundreds of gigabytes of hardcore pornography instead), but it could usually be relied on to provide a decent standard of lycra-based titilation.

The undeniable evidence:

It starts okay. There are a couple of lovely long legs on the pair of them, although there's definitely something wrong with the head of the one on the left.


Not too bad, maybe. Could be transexuals. Probably would after a few hours of dancing and drinking in the Magnet, then blog about it.


This is someone's girlfriend and he sounds very pleased with her, so we won't be too nasty about her. But no thanks, Julie.


Put it away Gwen.

Conclusion:
There's never been a better time to consider being a gay man. 2/10

Tomorrow:
We cross a line we never thought we'd cross and make a Joey Deacon joke. Unless we wimp out in the face of a massive public backlash and write some other piece of rubbish, like we did today.

And so comes the second part of our Milan-San Remo preview. Sean Kelly should really come out of retirement and win this race again. He could even get another Paris-Nice while he's at it. Still, we'll be happy with this year's race so long as it's not Robbie McEwen or a Discovery Channel rider that wins.

Paolo Bettini
Any hopes that Bettini's win in Lombardy would signal an end to people talking about the curse of the rainbow jersey might've been premature. He's spent most of this season advertising shoes and falling off his bike, which isn't quite ideal. Still, sharing the team leader capacities with Boonen could prove profitable -- Quick.Step's triple attack tactic last year is what gave Pozzato the win.
Odds for victory: 12/1 (13)

Pippo Pozzato
Ahh, Pippo. Classy rider. Playboy. Our best friend. He only won two races last year: Milan - San Remo and a stage of the Tour of Britain. He must've instantly regretted the latter victory, since it meant he had to share a press conference with us, taking photographs of his hair for our private collection. Next time we're going to take photos of his fingerprints, so we can clone him.
Odds for victory: 14/1 (15)

Robbie McEwen
We've called McEwen a "vinegar-faced self-aggrandising whinger" before, and even though it seems like we should maybe save the term for when he really deserves it (hint: the Tour de France), the fact that he's displayed reasonable form so far this year means he could actually win this race. So the vinegar-faced twat can fuck off.
Odds for victory: 14/1 (15)

Ricardo Ricco
Good old Ricardo Ricco, he's everything we look for in a rider. He'll make a lone, opportunist attack to win a stage, then get his confidence up and make selfish attack after selfish attack. But the bit we love most about him is the way he's refused to do any work whenever we've seen him in a breakaway group. And the fact that he's already been busted for selling dope to other riders.
Odds for victory: 17.5/1 (18.5)

TODAY'S NOT-PICK OF THE OUTSIDERS

Alejandro Valverde
We remember the days when this place was a Valverde and Boonen fansite, rather than just a Floyd Landis hatesite. It's down to Alejandro or Tom to do something to reignite whichever bit of our minds controls optimism. But Alejandro won't come anywhere near close to doing that in this race, sadly.
Odds for victory: 21/1 (22)

Winners always welcome at Betfair!

We've left this a little bit late and now we've got today and tomorrow to think of things to write about the top ten favourites, even though there's nothing even remotely funny or interesting to say about Daniele Bennati. So who are the favourites to win, according to the odds we wrote down at lunchtime?

Tom Boonen
Remember when you used to read things in the cycling media about Boonen that were more than just gossip about who he'd been doing "horizontal exercises" with? If he does win, watch for a sideways glance at the podium girls. The man is insatiable.
Odds for victory: 6/1 (7)

Alessandro Petacchi
Ale-Jet is amazing and all, but we're not sure entirely what he's done this season to merit being second favourite for the victory. Besides, people who own parrots don't deserve to win Milan - San Remo twice in their careers. Leave it for someone who isn't already living the dream.
Odds for victory: 13/2 (7.6)

Oscar Freire
Should someone as woefully inconsistent as Oscar Friere really race for just 12 days a season, or whatever it is he averages? If we were in his position we'd go for more of a scattergun approach, racing in everything possible in hope of some wins, even 3rd Cat races in East Anglia. But his own blasé approach always seems to result in some very high profile victories, the massive twat.
Odds for victory: 10.5/1 (11.5)

Daniele Bennati
Who on Earth is Daniele Bennati? We're joking, of course we know who he is. We're just not sure how he's become such hot property so quickly. Fair play to him for rising above Damiano Cunego to become the only Lampre rider anybody is talking about, but should someone with a girl's name really be allowed to win any important race?
Odds for victory: 11/1 (12)

TODAY'S PICK OF THE OUTSIDERS:

Erik Zabel
Zabel's the man proper cycling fans are supposed to love. We're not sure why. He won a lot of green jersies in the Tour de France despite not being anything like the best sprinter, and threw away a victory in this very race a couple of years ago. And he's got a big face. Grow up, cycling fans.
Odds for victory: 21/1 (22)

Winners always welcome at Betfair!

According to Cyclingnews: "Pozzato to lead Liquigas at Milan - San Remo"

GASP! In other news: Sky = blue; Grass = green.

Pro cycling is so exciting at the moment, but nobody has any even remotely interesting news to report about. We think it's because everyone has spent the past year just reporting on doping scandals and lawsuits, and now they've forgotten how to write about bikes. Coming soon: DerailedUK's Cycling Journalist Rehabilitation Centre (€9,000 for the 24-week course, followed by a three week period of writing for the website with actual possibilities of a full-time unpaid job at the end of it).

We've received photographic evidence that Birdy bikes actually exist! We thought they were too good to be true! Birdy bikes: Fun for all kinds of embarrassing uncles.


The back wheel of the bike in front is presumably not cropped out of the picture to provide a sense of scale.

Things we like about folding bikes

• The way their owners try to ride them like proper bikes
• And lock them to things rather than just folding them up and carrying them around, or whatever it is you're supposed to do with a folded up bike
• The fact they all look a little bit like Old Faithful

We may only be a couple of months into the year, but Litespeed have already emerged as prime contenders for the prestigious DerailedUK Award for Services to Inter-Species Sporting Equality in 2007. Check out their latest advert. They're doing their part, are YOU?


We take back whatever it was we said about only riding Italian bikes. Sell your Bianchi/Pinarello/Colnago and buy a Litespeed, safe in the knowledge that you're supporting a company that's taking a serious ethical stance regarding cycle sport's future.

Film preview: Tour de Frank

It's a comedy about pro cycling that's due to come out in 2009 if the IMDB is to be believed. Which is fine because we like both cycling AND comedy, and the content of this website frequently suggests we're capable of waiting a long time for either one. But Tour de Frank is being produced by the guy who directed Bruce Almighty, a film about a man (played by that goofy-faced overacting twat, Jim Carey) who gains the power of God and uses it to get a new car, with the overall moral that it's a good idea to train your dog to piss in the street, not on your sofa. So we don't have high hopes.

Things we expect to see in Tour de Frank:

• Ninety minutes of utter bombardment of "hilarious" lycra based humour, probably involving very fat people, very skinny people, and an erect wang


• Lots of racist stereotypes about French people


• Something to do with drugs. But our hero will prevail.

Official not-even-seen-it-yet-but-it'll-be-shit rating
2/10

Our scanner isn't working for some reason, so we're going to bring you the updated betting odds for the Paris-Nice today instead. Things are all about to get sorted out in the next few days, so it could be your last chance to get some odds that are actually worth placing bets on.

Levi Leipheimer
Worryingly, Leipheimer was only second favourite to win overall when we started writing this thing two minutes ago, but he's shot up to the top spot. We're not going to be able to watch today's coverage until the highlights tonight, but now we suspect that old Levi is doing something amazing RIGHT NOW.
Odds to win: 11/5 (3.2)

Franco Pellizotti
We liked the golden-maned Italian right until the point that he went and won yesterday's stage and took the yellow jersey from David Millar. He's certainly capable of taking the overall victory, but we've made a mental note to refer to him as little more than a poor man's Pozzato from now on.
Odds to win: 4/1 (5)

Alberto Contador
What a fall from grace -- favourite for the overall to third favourite, in the space of two days. Contador is a classy rider and all that, but the current odds are suggesting that Leipheimer is the Discovery Channel rider to watch during this race.
Odds to win: 5/1 (5.8)

The odds are fluctuating a lot today. And we mean A LOT. Which in turn means that there are lots of bets being placed. However, our bank account is empty, which means that none of those bets are coming from YOU. So hop to it. Winners always welcome at Betfair!

Tomorrow
We'll discuss the fourth to sixth favourites, if the odds settle down long enough.

For some reason, the very prospect of British cycling makes us think of a town hall in West Yorkshire that smells of Deep Heat. But that's just the result of a youth spent going to too many 3rd Cat races rather than falling out of trees and torturing cats, and really not at all representative of modern British cycling. Nicole Cooke beating everyone; the track squad demolishing the opposition at the Manchester leg of the World Cup; David Millar leading the Paris-Nice; Jeremy Hunt winning for the team whose name we cannot mention for fear of being beaten by gendarmes -- all prime examples from this young season of how far Britain is coming on the international cycling front.

Which is all just a roundabout way of saying that even though we barely mention the UK racing scene, we did actually watch and enjoy Cycling.tv's coverage of the Premier Calendar and National Championships last year. And without any kind of traumatic flashback to boring, innocent childhood too. This year, Cycling.tv and Eurosport have increased the coverage to show all twelve events, plus the National Championships, which should go a long way to furthering the success of British cycle sport. It'll be a great series to watch, plus you might see us in the background in some of the shots if we actually get around to going to some races this year.

It all begins with the first broadcast tomorrow, apparently. Which means we won't be getting any work done. The season has sneaked up on us just when we're at our busiest :( You can watch the races throughout the season on Cycling.tv and Eurosport, so do that.

Tomorrow
We'll probably go back to talking about our favourite Dutch cyclists. Oh well, at least we've done our bit today.

It's our favourite time of the year: The time when the website actually becomes profitable! Plus there's cycling on TV! What could be better than that? David Millar winning the Paris-Nice prologue? Oh, go on then. But can he win overall?

Alberto Contador
Good old Alberto, we've always liked him. Well, until he got caught up in Operacion Puerto and then went and signed for Discovery Channel. These days none of our favourite riders ever win anything, but at least it's a lesser evil as the favourite this time around.
Odds to win: 13/5 (3.6)

Levi Leipheimer
Levi second to Basso in the team? Try third, after Contador. That's good, because we don't really like Leipheimer at all. But if Discovery Channel rethink their "ride like crap since Armstrong retired" tactics, he'll probably win the Paris-Nice.
Odds to win: 4/1 (4.8)

Cadel Evans
Don't bet on Cadel Evans to win this, even though he's third favourite. Ignore the fact that every piece of betting advice we've given previously to this has been completely wrong; we're certain on this one. Plus he looks like Mark Hamill. What's that all about?
Odds to win: 11.5/1 (12.5)

Now go bet, and win some money! And if you follow this link to do so, we'll get some money too! Everybody wins! Winners always welcome at Betfair!


Tomorrow
We regurgitate Cycling.TV's latest press release. Updates are so easy when it's racing season.

...but at least it's not as delayed as the final part of our Top Five Videogames About Cycling thing. There's not actually much point in us doing this since neither magazine is on the shelves anymore, but we need to keep it up so we'll know which magazine is better next year when we're living in abstract poverty in London and can only afford to buy one cycling monthly. Just pretend it's February 5th, and we'll try to make this as quick and painless as possible.

Cycle Sport versus ProCycling: February
Last time we did this we accused both magazines of being interchangeable. That's really not the case, even though they've both got features on Bettini and a load of photos from the Quick Step training camp and we can't remember which of these four photos come out of which magazine. One magazine is better, we're sure, and we're going to find out which it is.


Cycle Sport
This month's Cycle Sport is a money special, which is good because the one thing we love most about cycling is the money. They've also littered the magazine with images made in Adobe Illustrator, which we should appreciate more than we do since we know how long all that rubbish takes to make. Other than that, it's fairly standard Cycle Sport fare: Boring, meaningless open letter to the UCI, some stuff about wristbands, and a sly dig at David Millar. The Quick Step features and the photo pages are worthy of attention, the rubbish get-this-every-single-year thing about team building exercises less so. Broomwagon is normally funny, but we're in a grump because he totally copied what we said about the Floyd Fairness Fund and indirectly mentioned our mortal enemies at Podium Cafe.


ProCycling
ProCycling's redesign has either settled down or is just growing on us. We think it's probably a little bit of both. But Dope Of The Month is still shit. Other than that and the bizarre eight page article on descending, the magazine is excellent. Superb columnists and, more importantly, a varied and interesting selection of features -- the magazines are supposed to be scraping the bottom of the barrel at this time of year, not producing their finest work. We're trying to find something nasty to write, but we fear our reputation as cycling journalism's most scathing renegades may well already be damaged beyond repair. At this rate we'll be writing press releases within a year.


Conclusion
ProCycling wins, quite comprehensively. This is the kind of comeback we all wanted Jan Ullrich to make, but instead he decided to go and mince around in Austria.


Current score
ProCycling 1 - 1 Cycle Sport
Getting exciting, maybe? Expect the next round in a few days, when we can be bothered to go and buy Cycle Sport.

Here's a super special photonarrative from the 46th Eddie Soens Memorial Cycle Race. "Photonarrative" is a word we've just made up to make it sound better when we post a few photos we've taken and write a couple of sarcastic sentences because we only get ten minutes a day to do this. Broomwagon will probably steal everything we say and develop it into proper jokes anyway, so just make sure you buy Cycle Sport next month.