Liege - Bastogne - Liege (that's Leeds - Birmingham - Leeds in English money) is a bike race. It has at least one hill in it, and is contested by a number of cyclists. Usually there is a winner, often the person who reaches the finish line first. The race is hard, but some people like it.

That's our GCSE report on the Ardennes classics done then. So who'll win?

Damiano Cunego
We've not been able to take the Piccolo Principe seriously ever since we read Candide and discovered the rudely-named character "Cunegonde". Thank you Voltaire for making us associate one of our favourite riders with a lady's naughty parts, and thus ruining cycling forever (or perhaps making it even better?!).
Odds to win: 11/1 (12)

Michael Boogerd
Michael Boogerd doesn't win things, he just lingers in the top five like a reasonably talented bad smell. No matter how much Oust you use, you know he's not going anywhere. (Apologies to our Dutch readers. We'll do a hundred Yvonne Hijennaar updates to make up for this one.)
Odds to win: 14/1 (15)

Danilo Di Luca
Danilo's had excellent form in the Amstel Gold and Fleche Wallone, not to mention a increidbly lacklustre sprint that has cost him a second place in both events. No chance of winning this one then. Unless he's going for ProTour points, he might as well just get thinking about how to work on that 30th place he's going to get in the Giro.
Odds to win: 14/1 (15)

Think we're wrong? It's certainly possible, although quite unlikely. Bet with us or bet against us, we don't care so long as you bet. We've got to eat, yo. Winners always welcome at Betfair!

The Spring Classics are almost over! But don't fret, that just means we're heading into Grand Tour territory. Get used to sitting on the sofa in front of the TV whilst it's sunny outside, because that's what you're in for. But first there's Liege, which is the oldest classic. Michael Boogerd has finished in the top five every year since 1894, but still won't win it this year. Sorry to any of his fans, but at least he was blessed with lovely teeth to compliment his complete lack of abilty to win anything.

If Boogerd won't win, who WILL?!

Alejandro Valverde
Boonen and Valverde were supposed to clean up at the classics. What happened? Well, a bout of very public diorhhea happened to Boonen, but Valverde has no excuse. Maybe he's been focusing his attention on winning the Tour. Yeah, that's it.
Odds to win: 13/2 (7.4)

Davide Rebellin
What's up with Rebellin? Despite being thirty-five years old and looking like a startled spoon-faced sparrow, he's managed to get second and first in the Amstel Gold and Fleche Wallonne respectively, thus ruining our argument that a new generation of single day riders has been ushered in. What a twat.
Odds to win: 13/2 (7.6)

Paolo Bettini
Bettini's one of the peloton's classiest riders and a former winner of Liege - Bastonge - Liege. Not that that counts for anything at all when you're wearing the rainbow jersey. If anyone ever comes anywhere near us with that cursed rag, we're going to slap them right in their cock.
Odds to win: 7/1 (8.2)

Will we make enough money from our betting to keep this site alive? And, more importantly, will YOU make enough to buy yourself a £250 fabric square from Rapha? Why not find out in the most frivolous fashion possible? Winners always welcome at Betfair!

Tomorrow
The odds for Cunego, Boogerd and Di Luca. Unless we can't be bothered.

We don't really do visual gags, but this excellent example of a citizen's grass-roots resistance to the evil American propaganda campaign has just turned up in our inbox. And the only other emails we've had this week have been Japanese gambling adverts, so we don't really have anything else to write about. Keep sending us your Floyd Landis stuff -- together we can protect Europe from his EVIL LIES.


Probably a bit weak to start our defence with, to be honest. 6/10

The Spanish are up in arms over the UCI's decision to prevent the entire team from riding this round of the world cup. The decision was made as a result of the fact that one of the Spanish team bikes did not meet the new, on-the-spot regulations imposed by the UCI.


The bicycle itself was designed by the late Fabio Foccachi and handbuilt in Milan, and has been rumoured to cost as much as £250. Whilst the riding position is unorthadox, the UCI claim that it is the use of the new material steel rather than the traditional bamboo that is causing consternation. No team representatives were available for comment.

They've been invisible all season, but now the Spanish riders have finally broken their... err... duck. José the macaw, a promising newcomer to the sport, has just won the Criterium International Animaux with an astonishing solo victory.


Whilst we always have to be a bit sceptical of such a strong performance by a Spaniard given the current doping climate, it's clear that the nation is already emerging as one of the key contenders for the Worlds in September.

Other news:
Britain's badger sprint team, three times world champions, will be hoping to put in a big performance in Sunday's Delamere World Cup round to prove to the world they're still on top of their game. Emerging cycling nations America and China should finally make their mark at the top level of the sport in the same event, with their talented racoons and red pandas respectively proving to be a major threat in earlier competitions this season.

…because you definitely didn’t watch it on Eurosport two weeks ago. We’re only writing this to give the illusion that the site is still active, just scroll through to the bottom and it’ll all be over soon enough.








Conclusion
10/10, since Britain won everything. But we’re tempted to knock a couple of points off because we couldn’t think of a better joke about the stupid mascot.

Did anybody need any further evidence that we're getting incrementally more Cycling Plus with every update?




Just to satisfy your curiosity. We don't know what was under the tarpaulin, but we bet it was amazing.


A triumph of understated design.


We think he's German, because it says "riese und muller" on his frame. Our friend tells us that means "rise and murder." Crikey.




Not a bike, but we'd still ride it.

Balearic folding bikes. We´re really reinventing the word "niche" these days.

They've got Metal Slug 5 in the hotel. Best World Championships ever, 10/10

Actual review, even though we've only got 15 minutes of internet left, we can´t work this Spanish keyboard, and Blogger has noticed we're in Spain and changed its language accordingly
Amazing. The Palma Arena is actually the best velodrome ever. And Great Britain won seven gold medals, which is five more than anyone else. And Vicky Pendleton is amazing. And we managed to see Adrie Visser getting changed. And lots of other things. We're super impressed with the whole "Britain are the best in the world by so much that it's a bit embarrassing" thing. 10/10

We've got some photos too, but we forgot our USB cable so that's a bit rubbish.